I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
