I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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