So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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