It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
try to milk me bitch
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