i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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