watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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