Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
