Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
