the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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