I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
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