Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
