Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
