She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
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