I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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