I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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