I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
