I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
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