what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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