This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
