If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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