I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
