We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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