so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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