I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
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