I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
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