I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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