The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
