there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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