My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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