ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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