I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
