he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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