I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
