Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
