i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
