She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
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