just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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