I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
