hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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