I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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