Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
