party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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