ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
