dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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