East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
