I will die if light touches me.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
