i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
