Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Randomize
