So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Who died my cat blue again?
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
