??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
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just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
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Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
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