i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
