Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
