I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
