New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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