your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
