did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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