God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
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That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
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You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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