I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
