Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
