it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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