Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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