What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
